I have a tattoo on my arm that consists of three parts. The first part is the Korean word for Seoul, my place of birth. Next to it, there is the symbol for infinity. And inside that symbol, there are three birds, which symbolises my family, my adoptive parents and me, and flying to the Netherlands by plane. The third part consists of characters that form the abbreviation for the place where I grew up and where I still live. In this tattoo, the present and past are intertwined. No matter what my life is like right now, my background is also a part of me. Everything will always remain connected.

I have a tattoo on my arm that consists of three parts. The first part is the Korean word for Seoul, my place of birth. Next to it, there is the symbol for infinity. And inside that symbol, there are three birds, which symbolises my family, my adoptive parents and me, and flying to the Netherlands by plane. The third part consists of characters that form the abbreviation for the place where I grew up and where I still live. In this tattoo, the present and past are intertwined. No matter what my life is like right now, my background is also a part of me. Everything will always remain connected.

In the first year of secondary school, my life changed. I became chronically ill. Because of the serious symptoms of my illness, I got panic attacks. Because of these, I was hospitalised in a specialised centre for 15 months when I was 15. They tried to manage the illness here by finding my optimal dose of medication. Because I was hospitalised, I finished secondary school there.

Alles is een en alles blijft altijd met elkaar verbonden

Before that, I had already needed intensive medical treatment in my life. When I was two years old, I also visited the hospital often because the fluid would not drain from my head. They inserted a shunt for that, which is still inside my head. Two years ago, when I had just moved out of my parents’ house, I had another episode of my illness to the extent that I needed to be hospitalised again. I live with my parents again now, and I cannot live by myself in the near future. Partially because I still have panic attacks.

For a few months, I have been thinking about going back to visit Korea. I am curious. But I still do not feel the urge to look for my biological parents. I think that the fact that I have so few questions regarding my identity and adoption is also connected to my medical condition. Deep inside I do have a few questions regarding my background and identity, but there has always been so much going on with my medical condition, that that was just more important, and it still is.

My health comes first. The past is in the past, and not looking into it is not holding me back in any way right now. It is a choice I make. In my daily life, I try to handle my illness as well as possible, and to accept my life as it is. I graduated from SPW4 (social pedagogy training), and I have been working with children with a chronic illness for six years. My adoptive parents have always been very supportive. When I got hospitalised at age 15, a girl who was also hospitalised asked questions about my biological parents. One of the counsellors then said: ‘to Anne, the people who take care of her are her real parents’. I thought that was beautiful, because it is true. To me, my adoptive parents are my real parents. I do not need other parents. They are my everything.

Tekst: Inge van Meurs         Fotografie: Ton Sondag