I am not that mild-mannered. You might think I am, but I am really not. I was bullied a lot in primary school. Because of that, I went to many different schools, and in the end, I received special education because it turned out that I have dyscalculia. Once I went to secondary school I started standing up for myself. I hit back hard, I became a bit of a monster. The teachers told me to stay at least five metres away from them, so they could see what I was doing. I often got blamed for things, even if I did not agree. There were incidents. Luckily, the last serious incident happened more than two years ago already. A girl that I knew from school falsely reported me to the police.

After secondary school, my parents helped me to start taking a hairdresser’s course in Amsterdam. Against all expectations, it went well. I rented a room there and I was a good student. I was asked to work in the hair salon after I finished the course a year later, and I was allowed to join them for a big styling event, which was kind of a big deal. But it was just a matter of time: my life consists of lows and highs, after every high there is another low. My contract was not renewed after a few months, and I was unable to pay my rent. I am out of a job now and I live with my parents again.

I know I have serious issues because of my adoption, and that my behaviour is determined by that for a big part. People say: “you argue with everyone”. That makes me sad and angry. I do not want to argue with everyone. But I have trouble with starting and maintaining social contact. I am scared of commitment. People who I get attached to, I tend to test them for a long time first. I can be really mean, until I am sure that they are going to stay. Only then do I want them to be close to me. I can be mean and change my behaviour towards my adoptive parents as well. Starting a romantic relationship is even harder. I have not been able to yet.

<strong><em>I do not want to argue with everyone</em></strong>.

For me, everything is black or white, and nothing in between. A few years ago, I met my biological mother and sister. That was a disappointment. I was six months old when I was adopted from Korea. My mother was unwed, which was a disgrace at that time. I used to feel sorry for my mother, that she had to give up her child. But since I met her I am actually kind of angry. She acted very mysterious about my father, she said that she wanted to tell me who he is later. But I think I have a right to know who my father is. She believes that there will be a ‘later’, but maybe I do not want to be in touch anymore. Besides that, I was looking forward to meeting my half-sister. That was different than I expected as well. I think she was jealous of all the attention the family was giving me. She did not make an effort to have any kind of relationship with me. It is too late now, I’m done with them. I find that I tend to keep my feelings to myself since I met my biological family. Often, it feels like I am wearing a mask.

I carry my adoption and everything related to it with me since birth, and the idea of it haunting me for the rest of my life makes me tired. Actually, to be very honest, I am pretty sick of all the adoption stuff. I am a level-headed person, not someone who wants to involve her adoption with everything. This is the life I got, and I have to accept that.

Tekst:             Inge van Meurs

Fotografie:  Ton Sondag