Perhaps I would have had an easier life if I was attracted to women instead of men. But maybe not, I will ever know. But now I am different from others in two ways. If I grew up in Indonesia, I would probably have had a wife and children. Then I would have had a normal life, like other people. But oh well, what is normal? For me it is not easy to have an intimate relationship with anyone to begin with.

I have boyfriends, but when a man comes to close I find it difficult. I panic, and he has to go. I cannot tell the other person that I feel so trapped. For the man in question it is difficult to find out what is wrong. When he has had enough and breaks up, I have usually already distanced myself emotionally, to protect myself. The fact that I cannot have an intimate relationship is connected to my adoption. That makes me very sad.

But not all doubts about my identity are solved.

The loss of my own identity has long been a common theme in my life. From age 12 to 25 the desire to meet my biological family became stronger and stronger. I did not know who I was, and I felt very lost because of that. The family I grew up in never spoke about my adoption until this day. My adoptive parents never ask about my biological family either, even when they know I visited them. I think it is difficult for them, they are afraid of losing me. They do not have to be scared from my side. My adoptive parents are good parents. But my relationship with them is not great. I only see them a few times per year. I think they were unable to provide me with a mother’s love, because we are not connected through blood. I also miss living together. In Indonesia, people are always together and they do everything together with their family members. That is not the case with my family here in the Netherlands.

With the help of Spoorloos, I started searching for my family, and I met them for the first time a few years ago. When my biological mother touched me, I experienced a major relief. The burden I carried for my entire life disappeared at that moment. I was given back my identity. I am doing very well now. I have a job, a social life, and I am happy with the contact I have with my biological family. I got help when I was struggling with my identity, but that is finished now. I still wonder if I would have been gay if I was not adopted. Sometimes I think that being gay does not really suit me. My family members in Jakarta, who I am in touch with on a weekly basis through the internet, often ask me why I am not married yet, or why I do not have children yet. I have not told them that I am gay. I do not know how they would react. Maybe they would reject me. I keep telling myself I am going to tell them, but up to now my fear has been bigger than my desire to be honest with them. I had to miss my family for so long, I do not want to lose them again already*.

Tekst: Inge van Meurs          Fotografie: Ton Sondag