The change happened not that long ago, when I started a work & training project for the second time within a nursing home. The start of the project was combined with the birth of my second child, and in hindsight, everything was a bit too much all at once. I could not combine my work, education, and family situation. The result of that was that I did not perform well at work and the course. I did not tell my wife anything, she found out when a letter from my employer arrived at home. It was a disaster.

To be honest, it was not the first time that something like that happened to me. A work and training project in a nursing home I attempted before was around the same time as the birth of my first child, and I did not succeed either. I also did not inform my wife about the developments. That almost ended my relationship, for the second time already. Ten years earlier, when my wife moved in with me, I did not tell her that I was actually unable to pay for my home with the salary I had at that time. Only when an order to evict arrived, it became clear to her. With the help of my family and in-laws, we found a solution to the situation.

I slowly started to realise that my behaviour is caused by my need to feel like I count. I do not want to disappoint people, or fail. I need to show my worth, because I do not want that more people will abandon me besides my biological mother. I was not aware of this before. I made so many choices based on what I thought that others find good and important. I studied logistics economics, although I am not good with numbers. I was unable to finish university. I had commercial jobs, although they actually do not suit me. I was often only employed for a short while, because my contracts were not extended. The jobs I chose did not match with me. But I kept trying. Often at the expense of my family and myself.

<strong>I always tried to meet expectations.</strong>

As a child, I was always very good and quiet. I always tried to meet expectations, and I doubted myself if I could not. Studying, for example, has always been very difficult, and that made me feel insecure. I was afraid of failure. I was never very interested in my adoption and my Indonesian background. However, a few months ago something happened. I never really looked at my adoption papers, but one day I noticed I was looking at them. And I read them, and again, and again. My attention was drawn to a name and address. My mother’s information. I am searching for her now, I also contacted other adoptees to hear their stories. And I started therapy. Within a short period of time, a lot has fallen into place for me. But I still find it hard to believe that the adoption, which took place 39 years ago, has affected all kinds of negative events I experienced in my life.

I am at a crossroads in my life now. I am 40 years old, and the next 40 years need to be different. I feel like I always betrayed myself. I want to change that. I want to do things that I want to do, without wondering if other people will agree with them or not.

Tekst: Inge van Meurs  Fotografie: Ton Sondag