Nelson’s attachment disorder has had a big influence on my life as an adoptive father. He arrived from Korea when he was nine months old. A great boy, and he loved me too. Everybody loved him, and everything seemed to be fine. Only in year 7, I started to doubt about whether he was doing well or not. It got worse and worse as he reached puberty.

But the school as well as counsellors told me I did not need to worry. There was no attachment disorder, just puberty XXL, as they would call it. And because Nelson himself said he just ‘did not feel like it’ about many things, I believed that he just lacked motivation. Only when he was about 16 it became clear that it was an attachment disorder after all. In hindsight, it was not that he ‘did not feel like it’, but he was too afraid. This requires a different approach. Perhaps I would have pushed him less. And that everybody loved him and failed to see something was wrong with him was not surprising. He was very adaptable. “I know what answers they want to hear”, he said when I asked why he was not getting anywhere with the counsellors around him.

I used to say; “I wish I could drill a little hole in your head, so I could see what is happening in there.” But that is not possible. I could not understand why he reacted to things in the way he did. When he stopped going to school for two years, and did not leave his bed, he told me; “you should be in my shoes for a day.” And that is the difficult part of being an adoptive parent. You want to help, but you cannot help him. And for as long as he does not make use of the help that is offered to him, we cannot do anything at all.

Je blijft altijd proberen

We went through some heavy things in our family. I find it difficult to talk about these with others. It is still a bit of a taboo. As a parent, you want to be able to say that everything is fine with your child. And you hope to see something positive out of the upbringing you provided them with. But I did not see a connection between those at all. I do not tell those around me everything, because I feel like nobody could really understand.

I had to set boundaries towards Nelson as well. That has always been the most difficult part for me; and that you have to deal with authorities you do not want to deal with. I hoped that a ‘switch’ would finally be flipped because of those. But someone from that organisation asked me; “do you know where to find that switch? And would this work? And did a switch exist?” That was very confrontational. For ten years, I was looking for a switch, only to realise that that switch may not exist at all.

I am confident to say that I have tried everything that is possible. On the other hand, I would have liked to know about that attachment disorder sooner. Perhaps I would have approached things differently. Therefore, I advise other parents to listen to their intuition. Do not let schools and counsellors tell you that everything is alright.

Nelson is now at a point in his life where he starts building up his own life. Psychological caregivers have stopped trying, because he does not want to listen right now. He cannot help that he has an attachment disorder, but he is the only one who can work towards learning how to live with it. I see that he is making big changes now. He is doing things in everyday life that would have been unthinkable before, he was afraid to do them. Just like any other parent, I mostly hope that he can lead a life that makes him happy. I do not have to agree with him, as long as he is happy. That is the ultimate goal as a parent.

Tekst: Kim van Schie    Fotografie: Ton Sondag