Being an unfinished puzzle. I often cried because of that feeling when I was younger and still lived at home. Who do I look like? What is my story? My adoptive parents always provided me with a lot of guidance regarding these feelings. They told me that I never had to be grateful. “We wanted you, you did not ask for this”. They acknowledged my sorrow from the start. Regardless of the fact that my adoption actually went well, the identity question is very important.

I know little about my biological mother. She was 26 and gave birth to me in Indonesia in a home with a special midwife to help women who were in trouble. It was decided in advance that I would be adopted. My adoptive parents came to pick me up when I was only three weeks old. They love me unconditionally. But to find that unconditional feeling inside yourself… The things people do are not simply coincidence. It is very strange to realise that I could have had a completely different life with this same body. I find that so weird.

My adoptive parents introduced me to my love for art and classical music. I often join my father to the North Sea Jazz festival. But when I go to a performance or when I am standing inside a museum I always realise that I am adopted. Do I belong here? Why do I love this? What is nature and what is nurture? Was my love for beauty and art already there or did I acquire it later?

In everyday life I function just fine. But when I really talk about it, like now, I realise how many emotions there are actually there on the surface. Maybe that is why I do not talk about it with many people. Because I feel very sad in the end. It is good to take time to really think about it again. In daily life this does not happen often.

<strong>To become complete as a person.</strong>

Getting attached to people is not a problem for me. But letting go of them is. I am always looking for intense connections with people. I can get disappointed when I do not get that feeling in return from the other person. I want real connections, not something shallow. I want to be part of something, and to be seen. But this is to compensate for a type of emptiness that I feel. I would like to know more about my story, and we tried to get more information. Unfortunately, we were unable to up to now, and I do not think I will ever find anything. At the same time, I am also afraid of it. Afraid of the sorrow of others. Do I really want to know the story of my biological mother? And maybe I will never get to hear the entire truth. I will need to accept that. I think I partially have.

When I was 17, I went to Indonesia with my parents for the first time. I was not completely ready. I would have rather gone to the Spanish coast. But it was a good thing. The first ten days, I did not speak at all. I was overwhelmed by all the new impressions. I was different. Even there. I did not want to be seen with my adoptive parents, because I did not want to stand out. My mother had a long conversation with me then, and the emotions came out. I was able to move on for a while. But for years I wanted nothing to do with that country. I hated it.

That is very different now. About some personality traits I have, I wonder if they are typically Indonesian. I hope to live in Indonesia for a while with my family. But I am also scared to. I will never be one of them, I think. But I should just do it. To become complete as a person.

Tekst: Kim van Schie                     Fotografie: Ton Sondag