But when we actually started the process, we found out that it is not all fun and games. How can I be sure that taking a child out of their own country is the right thing to do? And am I strong enough to raise a child that may develop behavioural problems? And what level of special needs can we handle? Because most of the children who come to the Netherlands now need extra care. Medical, or due to a complicated background. This is often the reason why it is hard to find a place for them in their own country.

After two years of preparation and information, we decided to follow through, and after waiting for another year, we met our daughter Pauline in Nigeria. She was 2 and a half years old then. They did not find a family for her in Nigeria. The feeling of responsibility I instantly had was huge. I really needed to learn how to deal with that. Sometimes, it is still difficult. I think every parent wants to be perfect, but as an adoptive parent, I feel like I need to try harder than everyone else. I want to make up for the difficult start in life she had. I want to make up for bringing her to the Netherlands. Because every mistake I make can have a massive impact on her. She needs a lot of affirmation, attention, and love. When I am tired at the end of the day and I am cooking, and I tell her she should play in the living room for a bit because the oven is on in a tone that is harsher than I mean it to be, she sometimes actually cowers and hides. Then I have to turn off the cooker and fix that first. I explain to her that I love her, and that it was not her fault. This takes a lot of effort, but it is very important.

<strong>Adoption is a chain of uncertainties.</strong>

After a rough time in Nigeria for four months, my husband and I got very ill (malaria), and we came back to the Netherlands. Pauline already had abandonment issues, nightmares, and panic attacks in Nigeria. It became worse and worse in the Netherlands. We sought out help for her. Help is available, but I do feel alone as an adoptive parent. This means, we got to a child psychologist for trauma therapy for a different problem more than a year after getting home, and it was coincidence that we learnt it was possible to help her out with the panic attacks and nightmares. We thought that she mostly needed time to get used to things. The first remedial education consultation, after coming home was because of Pauline’s tantrums and crying fits, but we did not get a referral to seek out more help. We just accepted that it was part of adoption. After two therapy sessions, we were able to sleep through the night for the first time in a year and a half. And we were able to go outside without Pauline panicking. She was able to play without worries, and without looking over her shoulder the entire time. I cannot imagine what would have happened if we had to keep soldiering on the way we did.

We mean well, but it would not hurt to have regular checkups from someone with a professional background to ask how we are doing. Even if it is only to confirm that we are doing things well. To stop criticising ourselves. Because helping your child does not mean spreading yourself too thin. In the end, we are only human. Because of Pauline’s adoption, I learnt to let go of my need to control and my perfectionism more and more. I did not have a choice; adoption is a chain of uncertainties. Letting go also makes it possible to enjoy Pauline more. Because it’s wonderful to experience her development and the fun she has. In the end, that is why we adopted her. To me, that makes everything worth it. I never felt as much love as I do now.

Tekst: Kim van Schie  Fotografie: Ton Sondag