Water is my domain. When I feel water around me, I am alone, but not completely, because I feel connected to the water. In water, nobody can get to me. I feel safe and I can be myself. I always found it difficult to be myself. In contact with a dominant person I suddenly became very small. I would just agree with whatever the other person thought. I would dance to their tune. I would adapt to the situation like a chameleon. But when I felt space, I was also able to manipulate people to get my way. What I could not do at home, control things, I would do somewhere else. This is why social care did not help for a long time. I would get other people to believe what I wanted them to believe. But in the end, that did not help me.

I am from Colombia. They told me that I was stolen from my mother’s house as a baby, that they did terrible things to me, and then they sold me to an orphanage. I was two years old when I was adopted and came to the Netherlands. I never had a good relationship with my adoptive mother. My adoptive father was a great man, but he was addicted to alcohol. Neither of them supervised me enough. Partially, that made my childhood great. I was able to do whatever I wanted. On the other hand, I got into a lot of bad situations. I suffered abuse, sexual assault, and psychological abuse. I was addicted for ten years. Nobody ever told me: “you need to stop now, I love you, and I do not want to lose you”. Since I was a child, I wanted to find my biological mother. I was sure that I would feel heard and loved by her. My adoptive parents were understanding, but I never felt supported by them in my search. Four years ago, I managed to find my biological mother. Meeting her was very special. I had a feeling that I cannot explain, it felt like: “this is it”. After my journey to Colombia, something changed in me. I have always been searching for where to go, but I never managed to find that place. Until I went to Colombia. After coming back from Colombia, I got therapy, and I really opened up for the first time. It taught me how to feel, and it made it easier for me to put what I feel into words. I am doing well now. I look after my two children and I work as a volunteer with foreign language speakers. I know what it is like to have to survive in a strange country, to swim in the world. It gives me a sense of fulfilment to help them with that.

<strong>In water, nobody can get to me.</strong>

I should be grateful for my adoption, but I cannot think of any reasons to grateful. I do not belong in the Netherlands. My sister in Colombia has a small house, not nearly as nice as mine, but she is very happy. I think I would have been that happy too if I grew up in Colombia, despite the fact that I might have been poor. Maybe I would have suffered from depression, sorrow, and fear in Colombia as well, but I would have had my mother and sisters, and my own surroundings where I belong. It would have been easier to deal with suffering, because I would have been with my own family.

Tekst: Inge van Meurs  Fotografie: Ton Sondag