Lack of understanding is a term that plays a major role in my life. For a long time, I did not really think about this. It was just the way things had always been. In recent years, things have started to surface. One could say that I am having an identity crisis. I feel like I am a Colombian with a Dutch passport. But how do I deal with that?

Because of my adoptive parents I never felt understood in my life. They were very uncommunicative about everything regarding my adoption, which is difficult for me. When I tried to explain what was bothering me, they told me “don’t be so difficult”, and “be grateful”. Expressing myself is not something that is natural to me because I am hard of hearing and it is more difficult for me to speak. It is unclear where my hearing disorder and motor skill issues that I experience come from. The adoption documents that my adoptive parents received when they adopted me when I was three months old did not mention anything. It was not until I was four years old and went to school, that my hearing problems were discovered. I wonder if my adoptive parents may have missed something, that they should have noticed something was up with me earlier on. I think that the match between me and my adoptive parents was not optimal. Our personalities do not match. I am a warm person, but especially my adoptive mother is very introverted. Because of the lack of understanding I experienced, I spent a lot of time looking for love in all the wrong places. There have been men and women who abused that. This affected me a lot afterwards.

LACK OF UNDERSTANDING IS A TERM THAT PLAYS A MAJOR ROLE IN MY LIFE

A certain secondary school teacher has been very important to me. It was the first time that someone actually listened to me, who did not interrupt me or finished my sentences for me. I am still in touch with her. Recently she told me: “Mariska, look at what you have accomplished despite your problems. You finished your education, you have a job. You are a strong person.” And I believe that is true.

At the moment, I am in the middle of my own personal growth process. There are more and more negative feelings that I blocked before without being aware of it. My feelings regarding my adoption are mixed. Yes, I was given chances. But I also got a lack of understanding. I think the effect adoption has really depends on the adoptee getting a chance to grow up to be themselves or not. But a good match with your surroundings is necessary to do so.

Tekst: Inge van Meurs  Fotografie: Ton Sondag