I’ve been clean for two months now. I no longer use soft drugs. I was treated for my addiction in a clinic specialised in adolescents with addiction and behavioural problems. They told me I have an attachment disorder, and that my problems are connected to this. I find this difficult to accept. On the one hand, I feel like my adoption is the core of all of my problems, on the other hand, it feels too easy to blame my adoption for everything that goes wrong.

For years, I was a ‘child with behavioural problems’, an ‘aggressive teenager’. And if people keep telling you that, you start to believe that that is your problem. That something is just not right with you. I have a lot of anxiety. I’m scared to go outside, because I’m scared of what other people think of me. I’m afraid to fail, it feels like I’ve failed so many times already. I usually don’t believe compliments. I had several jobs, but I always have to push myself to go. Even if I work for months continuously, as soon as I stop for a short while, it feels like I have to start all over again. When that happens, I’ll believe it is all pointless, and I quit. Before, I didn’t explain this to others, but I said: “I don’t feel like doing this or that”. My parents and Youth Care used to try to solve the problem that actually wasn’t there. My dad used to say: “you have no motivation”. But I don’t blame him. He just didn’t understand me.

I was born in South Korea, I fell ill after I was born and stayed in the hospital there for a while. When I was nine months old, I was adopted. There was quite a large gap between my siblings and me in the family, so I don’t believe the reason of my adoption was financial, but I’m not sure. I haven’t looked for my biological family yet, I’m not ready. The first years that I was in the Netherlands, I was happy and I felt a close bond with my adoptive parents. When I grew older, I pushed them away. I was angry and aggressive. Sometimes I said hurtful things out of anger, like: “I wish you never adopted me”.

<strong>ALL MY THOUGHTS ARE JUMBLED</strong>

Subconsciously, I believe that there is truth in that. I grew up under good circumstances. My family is warm, they are pleasant, and I am materially well off. But all my thoughts are jumbled. I can become anxious about the tiniest things. The other night, my dad didn’t wish me a good night, something he always does. I went into his bedroom: “you didn’t say it!” “Oh”, he said, “I forgot”. Others seem to deal with things a lot easier.

My problems make me passive. I’m barely able to live. I am 18 years old and I think: “what do I do now?” There were times when all I did was sleep. Then I’d escape reality. I know I need to take action, but the unknown scares me. I don’t know what awaits me. I would like to try it though. In the end, I hope to be able to do the things I always wanted to do. Maybe I can even be myself.

Tekst: Inge van Meurs Fotografie: Ton Sondag