When I went back to Sri Lanka for the first time when I was 9, it started: the awakening of my roots. As soon as I stepped off the plane, I felt at home. I am always cold in the Netherlands, but I felt great there. In the Netherlands, I had motion sickness from a young age, but in Sri Lanka I could drive through the mountains without feeling nauseous. The commotion there is soothing to me, whereas stimuli in the Netherlands bother me. I started to wonder: why do I feel good here? During the years, I learnt that it is not strange that my country of birth feels so familiar to me, even though I did not grow up there. I was only ten days old when I was adopted, but I was in the womb there for 9 months after all. Children (subconsciously) pick up more from that than people think.

After my first visit to Sri Lanka, I started wondering who I actually am more and more, and who my biological parents are and what they were like. When I looked up to the stars at night, I imagined that one of them was my biological mother, and in that way, she would be with me in a way. Around my 12^th birthday, my parents gave me permission to look for my biological mother. Before that time, they thought I was too young, not knowing what would happen. After a long search of more than 6 years, I met her in Sri Lanka, two days after my 19^th birthday. The meeting was not what I imagined. It was very two-sided. It was beautiful, but I did not feel relieved, it was not what I hoped for/was looking for all those years. I went home with more questions than I started with.

That meeting was the start of 8 messy years. I had multiple serious depressions, and ever since that moment I was on an emotional roller coaster. I was ready to take my life multiple times.

<strong>So, yes, i am allowed to exist, with everything that is a part of me </strong>

Now that I am almost thirty, a few things have changed. I have accepted that I will carry my adoption and the effects of it for the rest of my life. Yes, sometimes I react differently from other people, and no, I am not always happy about that. But it is what it is, and I am who I am. It is fine this way, I made peace with it. I am aware that I am not an easy person, although sometimes I forget that. It is good that I got more understanding of it. They say that recognition is the first step towards acceptance, that also applied to this.

My adoption has positive sides as well. I was given great opportunities in the Netherlands. And because I have experienced that life can be tough, I value the things that make me feel ‘rich’ even more: a loving family, a patient, loving husband, and a beautiful daughter! The relationship with my parents is better, after it was not great for a while. Especially since our daughter was born, we are closer than ever. I am very lucky with them.

All my sorrow and struggles seem to come back to 1 essential question: is my existence justified? The lack of self-esteem because of which I did not finish a single education or kept a job.
The personal attraction and rejection at work and socially, because of which I make things difficult for myself sometimes. Letting others cross my boundaries, because I am scared to be rejected and of losing people. It is all connected to it. Luckily, most people who are important to me know why I do the things I do, and they understand. Somebody once told me: Sharon, you should never forget this: ‘the fact that you are alive, gives you the right to exist.’
I always remembered that quote, and I think about it often. If I was not allowed to exist, I would not have been here anymore. So, yes, I am allowed to exist, with everything that is a part of me.

Tekst: Inge van Meurs Fotografie: Ton Sondag