Not fitting in, despite so many talents.

“Write a book about your life, you experience all kinds of adventures”. I do not understand what they mean, because those adventures are my everyday life. It does not feel like that. I only recently learned how to feel; subconsciously, I always avoided this through anger. A system that caused me to always be alone, despite being a people person.

Born in 1961 in Moederheil (a halfway house for unwed mothers and their children) in Breda. Adopted in 1963, and 2 months later I was joined by another adoptive brother with serious asthma. My first childhood memories were warm and depict the best time with my younger brother. But soon the cracks started showing; easy to anger when frustrated. When my parents would try to say goodnight, I would hit them away from me in my sleep. And my teddies, I would keep them under my duvet every night with a gun made of Legos to protect them.

The family I grew up in is the basis of my beliefs that I am worth nothing. The continuous comparisons to my younger brother; that he was doing well and I was not. The frustration that this caused for me, which I would express with anger and then lead to my parents thinking it confirmed their suspicions. This kept going in a vicious cycle. I believe that the helplessness and complete lack of knowledge regarding attachment issues of my parents played a big part in this.

A people person, and yet alone

In spite of their lack of knowledge, they did however manage to provide me with structural rules, which helped me to develop a conscious and standards and values. The lack of knowledge regarding my own feelings made me a prisoner my entire life. I am my own worst enemy. The search for knowledge with the help of professional care has become a journey of 40 years, until I met Inge and she offered me direction.

2 years of schema therapy and emotion regulation training offered me tools to significantly improve how I cope with things, and they have truly made me realise that I am permanently damaged. I find this difficult, but time will remain a factor in this.

My suffering has also become my strength. The manner in which I see things and make connections make my photos my own. The purity, the perfection of that which is imperfect.

My photography is mostly black and white, and this is how I thought and perceived the world for a long time, without any middle ground. Because of the stories of this project, I have become aware of the nuance and colour it brings. A new and fascinating notion. The journey goes onwards.

Text: Inge van Meurs Photography: Ton Sondag Translation: Linguelle